Hull City 0 - 3 Chelsea: Hull Falls to Reality

Despite all its brave efforts, Hull City could not prevent a classy Chelsea side from taking all three points at East Yorkshire yesterday. Frank Lampard's magnificent free kick, which drew first blood from the Hornets best epitomised the rift between an authentic title contender and an illly-misranked team.

Our man on the ground - Zmelly Dick, managed to catch up with Deiberson Geovanni and sheds some light on his post match view.

Zemlly Dick (ZD): You mentioned previously that Hull City will beat Chelsea but that did not happen today. What exactly happened out there?

Geovanni (G): Oh yes, Scolari is a top coach and I do not doubt he will be a success at Chelsea, but I feel sorry for him because we are going to beat his team. (nods his head and looks at ZD)

ZD: Yes, that was what you said before the game. Now that you have lost, what exactly went wrong on the pitch today?

G: There was nothing wrong with the pitch. The pitch is good.

ZD: Yah, we can see that. So what about Chelsea then? Were they too good for you all?

G: Oh Chelsea?. Yes yes, Chelsea is a top team and it was hard playing them. I took a couple of free kicks but none went in. But its normal, that happens usually. So, it is ok. We just did not take our chances along the way, which Chelsea did.

ZD: How would you rate Lamp's stunning goal which Scholari rated as one of the best goals he has ever seen?

G: Lamp? Lamps play football too?

ZD: Lamps is Frank Lampard, pardon me for not being clear.

G: Oh!! Lampard.. *Laughs* Oh.. Lampard!!! *Laughs*.. Sorry sorry. I didn't know he is known as Lamps. He is a good friend of mine, i usually call him "hanging balls", not lamps.

ZD: *Laughs* (Incredulous) So, how would you rate that goal?

G: That was a great great goal. No keeper in the world would have stopped that. I have done that so many times and Boaz (Hull City's keeper - Boaz Myhill) have never saved it before.

ZD: You have done it many times?

G: Yes of course. Its simple. Just..... kick. (gives ZD disbelieving stare) Have you seen me played football?

ZD: Yes, i did of course. Well, since you said you can, perhaps you really can do it. *i am going to write about this* So, now that you have lost, do you still feel sorry for Chelsea?

G: Are you stupid? Of course not. I have never said i will feel sorry for Chelsea!

ZD: No, you did in an interview before the game.

G: No, i DID NOT. I said, i will feel sorry for Scholari, not Chelsea. Do not twist my words Dick.

ZD: Oh, i apologise for that overlook but Scholari is like Chelsea and Chelsea is like Scholari right?

G: Yes of course, Scholari is Chelsea's coach.

ZD: So there are no difference between Scholari and Chelsea?

G: No difference.

ZD: So are you sorry for Chelsea?

G: Yes.

ZD: Ok. Thank you. *this guy is b*llocks

G: You are welcome.

Geovanni thinks Hull will beat Chelsea

"[Luiz Felipe] Scolari is a top coach and I do not doubt he will be a success at Chelsea, but I feel sorry for him because we are going to beat his team."

Geovanni in Hull City

That coming from an ex-Barcelona player who was recently named in Barcelona's worst team of the past 20 years is plain stupidity. Adding to that, this was a player released by Man City last season after being deemed surplus to the team.

Without a doubt, he cannot wait to be bought out of Hull City, "I feel good at Hull and only a massive offer could make me want to move on."

Geovanni has also claimed he would have been happy to stay at Manchester City.
He added in Marca: "The truth is that I wanted to extend my stay at City, but nobody from the club contacted me." And you know why nobody contacted him? Under his contact details, he put in his brazilian hometown home phone number! Really!

Nah, that is not true of course. But what i am trying to highlight here is his low quotation of intelligence and even Hull City manager, Phil Brown agrees with me in an interview - "He is a pleasure to work with at the MOMENT, but it hasn't all been plain sailing."

Poor Phil, getting his player (Geovanni) to stop thinking they can win the La Liga when they are in the EPL is no easy feat..

Food for Thought

"What's the lightest thing in the world?"

The penis. It can be lifted by a single thought.

But then, Professor X can lift even the balls i think.

Two Face Harry

Spot the similarity between Harry Redknapp and Catdog.

Yes, you see, Catdog has two faces. One of a cat and one of a dog. So does Harry. It can be hard to see how when those million chins are sagging that badly.

Harry O' Hairy.. You said, "It's a big opportunity to manage a big club before I retire," and you are absolutely right. To manage a team sitting last in the relegation zone is indeed a big opportunity. You claimed that you "followed Tottenham, trained there as an 11-year-old, 12-year-old and knows the history of the club. It is a big, big, club."

You know, many people went to Jail countless times, was raped by inmates as a 31-year old, 32-year old and knows even the blardi employment history of the HR department of the Jail. It is a big big Jail -they hate to do area cleaning each day.

'Tottenham have offered Portsmouth £5m compensation, which is good for the club, and if we're all being honest it has worked out okay for everybody." Can you believe it? £5m for Harry O' Hairy! Daniel Levy can soon start a new drama serial, "Desperate Club Owners", co-starring Daniel Levy and Mike Ashley, owner of Newcastle Football Club. Daniel, you just paid £5m for a catdog hybrid. Congratulations on your exotic find.

Hairy O' Hairy (i know its Harry O' Hairy but heck), you are no lower than a cheating husband. You left abrubtly in 2004 and shamelessly bedded arch rivals, Southampton till you adulterous couple were condemned to relegation. And when all the sex and fun were over, returned to Portsmouth. But your promiscuous desires were hardly suppressed with lecherous eyes fixated on Newcastle at one point .

By the way, lets set the record straight. While you had apparently declined the job, stating "I have a job to do to take this club forward and to walk away would not have been the right thing to do." It was later stated by Newcastle chairman that you were "interviewed for the job but was only one of a number of people we were speaking to at that time", and at the time of your interview, the club had already been in secret talks with the eventual appointee, Kevin Keegan for a week. In other words, you are just a damn PROP for a stand up show.

Hairy O' U' Hairy Hairy! Your shameless exploits know no end - telling BBC Radio Five Live: "If Portsmouth want to sell some of their players, there's an open market."

And if Spurs want to sell their manager, there is an open market at Dolphin Lagoon. Cos like the toothed whales, you have no sense of smell since your car wreckage in year 1990, except while the dolphins will provide the stunts, you can do the freakshow. RawRs!!

Run, son, Run!! Freakshow O' Hairy is clawing here!!

A Bizarre History of the Dysfuntional Newcastle Football Club

Newcastle Football Club was founded in 1892 and is also commonly referred to as “The Magpies”. Their legion of fans is well known to be fiercely loyal and is termed, the “Toon Army”. It is obvious why - given Newcastle abysmal performances till date, the loonies can’t possibly get any loonier.

Currently sitting seven places behind archrivals - Sunderland, who is currently ranked 12th in the Premier League, the Magpies can only afford to ridicule a fellow avian kind – the cockerel from White Hart Lane. I guess, even birds of different feathers do flock together ONLY in the Relegation Zone.

Now, through my research on Newcastle, the word great came across numerous times. And please allow me to explain why. They are indeed a great club, but not because of their four Premiership/First Division titles, nor their 6 rusty looking FA Cups in their trophies room (which were all won more than half a century ago)

Like all things, what goes up comes down. NUFC, despite their glorious days in “medieval” times, was relegated to the 2nd Division in 1934 and more of such spectacular feats were repeated in 1961,and 1980 before achieving promotion for main flight football in 1992 – a whopping 12 years playing void deck soccer. Now, that is why they are great. If you cannot win the “Most Distinguished Student Award”, there is always the “Most Improved Student Award” and you can still be great.

Why the word bizarre you may ask. Well you see, Kevin Keegan returned as manager in 1992 to confirm his status as King Kev by hauling NUFC out of the 2nd Dvision and even claiming runner up spot in the 1993-94 and 1995-96 seasons. However, Lady Luck was to desert them once again and this time for good with the sacking of Sir Bobby Robson. A strange series of occurrences began to take shape. It all started with the brawl between Lee Bowyer and Kieron Dyer (2 key players). For F*ck you may ask. God knows. Can you imagine, if Wayne Rooney is to slap Cristiano Ronaldo in the middle of the pitch before pulling down his pants and ridiculing his birdie. Makes no sense doesn’t it?

That’s not all.. World class names, Emre, Albert Luque and most notably of all Jean-Alain Boumsong would come to Newcastle as hero and leave as zero. Furthermore, unexplainable occurring injuries besieged this “most improved student” club time and time again till I am simply too lazy to name them.

Please visit, http://www.physioroom.com/news/english_premier_league/clubs/16/newcastle_united_injuries.html for more details. Just a glance will do, you will know why. Basically, NUFC’s 05/06 season injuries saw no less than 340-days lost of players time because of injury. That sums it up.

Whinny Big Sam sought to put the injury ghost to an end with modern science and Chinese Feng Shui but I guess the Feng Shui was just too much for the fat man as he was sacked shortly afterward, paving way for the comeback of King Kev. Happy times are always short lived with NUFC. King Kev resigned within months of appointment and his successor, Joe Kinnear again proved why NUFC is no ordinary club. In an interview with journalists, he let fly a barrage of X-rated abuses which can be found here - http://www.telegraph.co.uk/sport/football/leagues/premierleague/newcastle/3124831/Joe-Kinnear-press-conference-transcript-Football.html

In summary, a total of 36 F-words, 4 C-words, 6 B-words were extensive applied. Great sense of vocabulary the gaffer has.